December Favourites

It’s the end of the year! It’s so weird that an entire YEAR has gone by. I was confused about whether to do a monthly favourites post or a yearly favourites post or both; finally decided to just do a monthly favourites post. So let’s get started…

1. Parties!!
December has been a month of parties. Well, only two, to be precise, but for me that’s a LOT. The first was this Harry Potter themed party, where you had to dress in your house colors and for each drink you finished, your house got a point! A cool idea, but the party was hosted by two guys, and so it ended up being one of those parties where everyone is just trying to get as drunk as possible. It was a very typical college party- everyone was getting drunk, there was random dancing, and even more random making out. I had one drink. It was also a bring your own alcohol party, so I had to ask other people to share. I did have fun though, because after a point, Si and a couple of our other friends and I just occupied one of the sofas and observed.

The second party was a pajama party! Hosted by one of my friend’s roommates as a celebration of his graduating. This was mostly people I knew, and there weren’t too many people, so by the end of the night id spoken to everyone. And I didn’t get drunk again, mostly because I had to come back home and pack because I was moving out of my dorm the next day. I had a really good time though. Si was there for this party too, and she’s become such a good friend, I am so happy to know her. She's also planning to have her own Harry Potter themed party, probably sometime in Feb, so that’s something to look forward to.

2. Got through another semester!
That deserves a round of applause, especially since it’s been such a shit semester. But I made it through. Finals week was particularly awful, with me getting little to no sleep, and even less food. But it’s over now, and next semester looks VERY promising. I've got lovely classes to look forward to, as well as no more early classes. I’m just glad I made it through this one. It was tough, I hated almost every minute of it, but there were a few good moments and anyway, I don’t have to suffer through any more of it now.

3. Home.
I never ever thought I’d be this happy to be back, but I am. It’s been a week (holy shit, I’ve already been home a week, how the fuck did that happen?), and I’ve been so, SO happy. My family, my friends, my cat, my room, my BOOKS, ahhhhhhhhhhhhh… everything is so perfect. I suddenly have so much free time, I can read again! And catch up on TV shows and movies. And eat food that I don’t have to pay for. And spend all day in my pajamas if I want to. And meet my friends whenever I want! And text and get responses at once because we’re all in the same time zone! Hanging out with them is so relaxing, especially since we do the same shit we always did; nothing has changed. So. Much. Happiness.

Actually, it's more than that. So. Much. Contentment.

4. The Hobbit.
This was bittersweet, really. The movie was so fucking good. But I cried so much. For me, this was bigger than watching the final Harry Potter movie. Middle Earth has always meant SO MUCH more to me. It’s my home, literally. It’s where I would escape when I was younger and (I thought) my life was shit. Before Harry Potter, before Game of Thrones, before Doctor Who, before any and all other fandoms and worlds that I got into, I fell in love with Tolkien’s Middle Earth. And this last movie was the end of an era and it was just very overwhelming and emotional. And beautiful.

5. Tom Hiddleston and I are taking a break and I'm currently falling for (and I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth) Harry Styles.

He’s. So. Adorable. Why is he that way? I have been introduced to the joys of reading smut and fluff and I found this site with the most amazing Harry fics and ohhhhhhmyyyygodddd. My love for this boy is growing at a rate I didn’t ever expect. But I love him right now. I really do. 

So that’s all for now! Cheerio!

Move the fuck on goddammit.

Why is it so hard to accept it in my heart. In my head, I'm fully aware of the fact that I'll never be a part of their lives. And I'm okay with it.
But then shit happens and I see stuff and I just want to fucking disappear because I cannot see myself belonging anywhere with them and
It
Fucking
Hurts

Note to self:

Accept the fact that you're never going to be a part of their lives the way you want to.
Do not get attached.
Move on.

Grand Piano

Because you all need to hear this. I normally don't even like her music. But this song is different. I've been listening to this over and over and over and over again.
It's. So. Good.

So I decided to take a break from studying and writing essays

(Like I was getting any actual work done anyway), and watch something. I didn’t want to watch Prison Break, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop with just one episode. I didn’t feel like catching up on all my other shows either, just…because. So I did the smart thing. And watched Prisoner of Azkaban. Because it’s my favourite book and movie in the series. And because I’d rewatched the first two (only the fun bits) recently.

And now I’m crying 5ever because Prisoner of Azkaban really is the best out of the entire series (in my opinion) and it’s also the last one where there’s some sort of innocence left because let’s face it, once You-Know-Who returns in the fourth one, the shit well and truly hits the fan and nothing’s beautiful after that.

I’m not going to watch the others over the next week.  I’m NOT. I’ll save them for Winter Break so that I can reread the books first and then watch all of them and cry my eyes out.

You’d think I would have more sense than to start on this during Finals, but of course, it’s only during finals that I have these strong urges to do the damnedest things-anything except really work. Now I’m not going to be able to concentrate on anything. Why do I do this to myself? Sigh.

November Favourites

November was a rather tumultuous month. (So proud I got to use that word :P)

Writing this helped me remember the good parts, and let me tell you, the good parts were good.

1. My girls.

They are the reason behind my sanity and I am grateful for them each and every single day of my life. The day after The Kiss, when I told them about it, we were all excited and laughing and everything was fine. But the day after that, I said something in the course of one of our conversations and I guess it alerted them to the fact that I wasn't completely on board with this whole situation. And after getting me to 'fess up, they gave me a firm but much needed talking to, the essence of which was that I had done nothing wrong and that it was okay to not be on control every once in a while and that this would most likely not go any further, so there was nothing I should be upset/worried about. But it isn’t just that day, though it serves as an excellent example of how much I need and love them. Every single day, we have the most random of conversations, some extremely deep and emotional, some so entirely ridiculous that we never refer to them ever again, and beneath it all, there’s this reassurance that no matter what happens, we love and accept each other for who we are.

2. The Wedding.

Remember how I’d told you about my old babysitter calling me up? Her wedding was this month, and so definitely makes it to the favourites list. She got some of her friends to pick me up so that I had transport, because the wedding was at this place pretty far away, etc. Anyway. The wedding itself was beautiful. I'm one of those people who cry at weddings, so I got teary and everything, but I was fine. Then at the reception, I met her dad who recognized me at once and was super happy to see me, etc. He and my dad were great friends, so he asked about him, etc. He’s grown old though, everyone does, but he used to be an army officer and so remembering him then and seeing him now, it’s so different… Then I met her mum. Her mum's family and my mum's family were neighbors growing up so they go wayyyyy back. She didn’t recognize me at first and then I said my name and that was it. Hugged me like a long lost daughter and dragged me to meet her entire family who were there. I didn't realize how well they all knew my mum's family because as soon as they realize who my mum was, they all went omg you're here, etc.

Other than that, it was normal. Desi food, so paneer and kebabs yaaassss. But also there was dancing and I kinda wanted to but a. Who would I do the couples dances with; and b. These people knew my parents, so nvm.

But when I finally met the bride, she was so excited and I was so excited, and just, general happiness. She was busy of course, they all were, so I didn’t get to catch up as much as I would have liked, but we have each other’s numbers and once the craziness has dies down we'll probably meet up, so that’s cool.

3. Friendsgiving.

So because Thanksgiving is more of a family thing, Totes and Chuckles (The Brother’s best friends whom I love) were having an early Thanksgiving party at their apartment for all their friends. Hence the name, Friendsgiving. The party was on a Saturday, so Totes asked if I could come over Friday night and just stay the entire weekend and help clean and cook.

I got there on Friday night, walked in right when Totes and Chuckles were marinating the turkey, and therefore nearly passed out in the hallway. Just in case you don’t know, raw meat freaks me out. And a whole raw turkey…let’s not go there. Though I've already been there, so… anyway. We sat around and just chatted, well I chatted, they went on doing turkey stuff. Then once that was over, Chuckles started making a list of stuff they needed to buy, Totes started cleaning her room, and I began sweeping the living room. We all did our own stuff for a bit, talking about random things throughout. Then went out and bought the stuff, finished cleaning, ate dinner. Then Totes was baking cornbread, and Chuckles and I played a game of beer pong (only with water instead of beer), and I thoroughly beat him. Which shocked Totes because apparently Chuckles is the reigning undefeated champion at beer pong. And when The Brother came by later, he was also very shocked. Though then Chuckles and I played again and he won this time so maybe it was just beginners' luck? Though Totes was incredibly proud of me, so whtvs. We stayed up till 4:30, talking, baking cookies and cornbread, just chilling really. Then bedtime for everyone. Woke up around 10:30, picked at random food, showered, and got the turkey in the oven. I vacuumed the house. We started setting up stuff. And 3:00pm onwards people started coming in.

It was just a fun night. I talked to pretty much everyone there, and there were a LOT of people, easily over 25 people, probably more. But I was social, and cheerful, and I liked it. And then slowly people started leaving and then finally everyone was gone and I fell asleep on Totes’ bed beside her because this friend of theirs, Meg, was staying over as well because she didn’t want to drive back drunk so she was in the living room. Woke up surprisingly early, at 8:30, after going to bed at 2:30. We all just hung out in the living room and talked and laughed about the party, picked at the leftovers, (there were a LOT of leftovers), cleaned a little, but mostly just lay on the sofa/floor/chairs. We did this till afternoon. Then Chuckles played video games, Meg fell asleep again, I dozed off, Totes was also dozing off. And then in the evening, around 5, we all got our shit together, took turns showering, Meg left, I swept and vacuumed the living room, helped do some more cleaning, and then Totes was going out so she drove me to the subway station. And that was my weekend. Easily the best weekend of my life, or at least of this year.

Oh and one my favourite parts was while we were talking that morning, suddenly Chuckles walked over from the kitchen to where I was sitting on the floor, and as he’s walking to me he says “Ella stand up” (I stand up) “and give me a hug” and I did, not really sure why, but it's Chuckles so I was like oh okay, and then he said “I'm so proud of you, you were wonderful last night, you talked to everybody and you had a good time, and I'm just really proud of you”. And Totes was like yessss you were great, I'm so glad and so proud of you too. And I was all :’)

4. Getting drunk.

Friendsgiving was also the first time I got properly drunk. It was fun, to say the very least. Drunk me is more friendly and sociable and willing to initiate conversations with people I don’t know. Drunk me is also more likely to play random games and laugh a lot. I like drunk me. Though I sent my friends a series of voice messages (that I don’t remember sending) which, when I went back and listened to the next morning, left me utterly mortified.  I sound SO flaky. I have a very strong white girl accent and I say stupid shit and…let’s all just forget about those messages. I also had text conversations that I definitely don’t remember  typing or reading a word of. Thankfully they were with The Brother and another friend of mine so it wasn’t embarrassing or scandalous, just funny. I wasn’t too badly hungover the next morning, just a slight headache and nausea. I was more tired than anything. But I didn’t throw up, for which I am extremely grateful because throwing up would have meant I’d have burst into tears. (That’s just what happens when I throw up. I cry.) Overall though, good experience. Fun experience. One I would like to repeat. Also, I really like vodka.

5. Actual Thanksgiving.

For the actual holiday, I went over to some old family friends’ house. There was a lot of really good food, which I gorged on. Stuffed myself to the point of feeling slightly sick. But the food was SO good. And as it was my first Thanksgiving, I had a really good time. Tiramisu cake balls. That was the highlight. Possibly one of the best desserts I have ever eaten. So. Fricking. Good.

So that was my November. There were a lot of downs, which is why the month was tumultuous, but I got through. And a constant favourite is that I am counting the days till I get to go home. SO excited about that. 

A brief update.

In case you're worried about how I'm coping after that night, don't be. Worried, that is. I'm fine. Between my family and my friends (they blend into one large family, really), they talked me down and helped me feel better and I am fine. I couldn't ask for better people in my life, really. 

I cried after talking to them. Not because of what happened, but because they are such absolutely wonderful people and I don’t know what I have done to deserve them in my life but I am forever grateful for them.

Tom never contacted me again. I've actually seen him a few times since then, only in passing. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t recognize me, because that night my hair was down and all pretty and I was wearing contacts and had eyeliner on and shizz. And this past week I’ve made zero efforts so I've been wandering around in a t-shirt and jeans and sneakers and my hair in a bun and wearing my glasses. I really don’t care though, so I guess that’s good. He’s in one of Totes’ classes, and she texted The Brother and me to tell us and all three of us had a good laugh. And the other day, The Brother was teasing me about him over something and I was all ‘lmao calm the fuck down bro that’s not even an idea I consider’ and basically I'm fine.

But. A part of me regrets it. Because I wanted my first kiss to actually mean something and be with someone I cared about and had feelings for (don’t we all?). But it was wayyyyy off the mark. The Brother said it was better this way because at least no feelings got hurt, and he’s right. I see that. But movies and books have prepared us for magic and this is real life so obv no magic.

Anyway. The important thing is that I am doing fine.

School’s shit as usual. My education class makes me want to quit life. I daydream about telling her off. It’s a very satisfying daydream. Just standing up one day and giving her a piece of my mind and telling her exactly what I think of her and her class and what she can do with her assignments and discussion boards and ahhhhhh. Imma stop with that now.

There’s less than a month left for my birthday and I'm nervous. Because I doubt anyone here will remember it. They haven’t known me long enough to remember it and celebrate it the way my friends do back home. And while I don’t really care about not doing anything on my birthday, I do care about being the subject of pity, which is what will happen when people realize the next day or whenever, that it was my birthday. Sigh. I don’t want to spend my birthday alone, but I don’t want it to be a big deal either and ugh. It’s so weird. I guess I shouldn’t jump ahead of myself and just wait and see if it comes up at any point in a conversation. But I have almost no hopes. So that’s good in a way I guess because then if something does happen, no matter how small of a thing, I’ll be super happy.

October Favourites

1. Once Upon a Time.
After finishing Breaking Bad in September, I wanted a show that was more lighthearted and not so realistic and Once Upon a Time was perfect. I binge watched three seasons in the span of less than 10 days and am fully caught up with the ongoing season. Not very healthy, I agree. Especially when you take into consideration the fact that I’m already watching so many other shows. But, eh, whatever! TV shows are an inseparable part of my life now. Anyway, OUaT is absolutely brilliant, has too many hot men for its own good, has some pretty amazing female characters, and is just overall a really well written show. Mary Margaret/Snow White, played by Ginnifer Goodwin, is responsible for me being able to decide on one aspect of my future, even if I'm clueless about everything else-my wardrobe. Her outfits are just so well put together and not super fancy or anything. Simple, but elegant and, well, wardrobe goals: Mary Margaret.

2. Pinterest.
Extraordinarily distracting and addictive, but such fun! Of course, I would join it the week before midterms, but hey, that's how I roll! It's where I'm planning my life, so I've got a board (folder) for my "Future Wardrobe" (warm and cold days!), my "Home Sweet Home", foods that I wouldn't actually mind cooking, an entire board dedicated to "Desserts, mmmmmm", and the list goes on. 

3. Food.
I got to eat Indian food after a really long time and it was SO good. Normally I don’t even like Indian food all that much, but eating paneer and kebabs after ten months, ahhhhhh. Also, The Brother visited our parents in India, and Ma sent me a box of Kaju Barfi/KajuKatli, which is this sweet made from cashew nuts that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and it was heaven. I also went to this place called Peanut Butter & Co., and damnnnn that was some good food. Also incredibly filling. I thought I’d be able to eat a sandwich and dessert. Only barely made it through the sandwich, no room for dessert. Which means I’ll have to go back for dessert sometime, so yay!

4. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I finally went there! And it was beautiful and I didn’t want to leave and I could spend days and days there and never get bored. It was amazing. And it reminded me why I love world history so much. Trying to pick a favourite, well, I can tell you my least favourite was the American history section, mostly because it was just furniture and stuff like that. The section on Ancient Egypt was fascinating. And Arms and Armour is always wonderful. Medieval Europe was pretty amazing too. And Ancient Greece and Rome. Though my feet were in excruciating pain by the end because I’d been walking for close to five hours nonstop, so I couldn’t enjoy Greece and Rome as much. But it was an unforgettable experience.

5. Central Perk!
It was perfect. In fact, I’m going to dedicate an entire post just to that evening. So more on that later.

6. Reconnecting.
One evening I got a call from a number I didn’t know. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I don’t know the number, but I’d been expecting a call from my favourite cousin’s best friend who lives in the States. Only this wasn’t from where I knew she was. But I answered anyway. And it was someone I'd completely forgotten- my dad’s friend’s daughter, whom I hadn’t seen in almost fourteen years. She’s ten years older than me, an absolute sweetheart. My parents loved her; in fact she was my babysitter for a long time when I was little. And she's here! In America! And getting married in November! It was amazing talking to her after so long, and I'm going to the wedding. Very exciting, and almost surreal after all these years to get in touch with her again.

7. Hair Straightener.
I finally bought one! And one morning finally used it. And didn’t burn myself. Looked quite pretty, if I may say so myself.

8. Wentworth Miller.
Another show I started watching (I did say I watch too many shows), is Prison Break. And Wentworth Miller, dayum. The man is beyond unattainable. He’s 42 and gay, but has the face of a fucking angel and while Tom Hiddleston is the one true love of my life and the reason for my existence, Wentworth Miller has a tiny piece of my heart that no one, not even Tom, can lay claim to.

I'm scared.

So this really good friend  of mine(let's call her Si) threw a Halloween party (well, post- Halloween, really) on the first of November. I got there a little early, helped her finish setting up, etc. People trailed in. I knew about half the people she'd invited, and there weren't all that many of us, so it was fine. It was a good time generally. I drank, for the first time ever. Didn't get drunk or anything. Ate good food, met new people. Laughed. Talked.
But there was this boy. We didn't really get a chance to introduce ourselves in all the rush, but once everyone had eaten and we were all just sitting around and talking, he turned to me and asked me my name. Turns out his name was Tom (OF COURSE it's fucking Tom GODDAMMIT). We talked for a really long time, though we both were also taking part in other conversations around us. But at one point he brushed his hand against mine. And then we exchanged numbers. And when it was time to leave, since he lived right by the subway station I use to get to my dorm, he offered to walk me till there. Si offered to let me just stay over at her place because it was pretty late, but I was meeting my older brother in the morning (AFTER TWO MONTHS FINALLY YAYYYYY), so I had to say no.

Anyway, Tom and I walked back, and it was windy and rainy and cold, and after a point we were holding hands and I wasn't uncomfortable. But then we reached his dorm, and I turned to say goodbye, and the next thing I know, he was kissing me. And I was kissing him back? Because I sure as hell didn't push him away. And after a few minutes of that I pulled back and asked him what happened next and told him that I'd never done this before so I didn't really know how relationships or anything like this worked. I told him that we were both slightly drunk and I didn't want this to turn into something we'd both regret the next morning. And he said, no, I was right, and that he would never push me to do anything that made me uncomfortable and that it was up to me how we wanted to do this. And I said maybe we should just think about this and give it a day and see how we felt in the morning. And he walked me to the subway station and then we kissed again and I was all shy and blushing and he said to text him once I was home safe and that hopefully we'd meet again tomorrow or Monday at school or something.

I'm scared. Not of him. He's incredibly sweet and I trust him. I'm scared of what I have to do now. Because I don't know. I talk about relationships like I want them but now that I'm faced with this I'm scared out of my mind because this is an actual person whose feelings I can hurt and who can just as easily hurt me and I don't know how to deal with this. His name is TOM for fuck's sake. He's a wonderful guy but neither of us know each other all that well and I don't know how to relationship (yes, I'm using it as a verb here). I need to talk to my older brother. Or to Totes. Probably both. Both. Both is good.
I don't know how to deal with this. I was better off in my imaginary world where I was dating Tom HIDDLESTON. I'm so scared right now. I don't want to hurt another person. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want things to become messy. I'm so scared.

I'd forgotten how good it feels to stand under a fan and have the breeze blow on your face and through your hair and send cool air beneath your clothes and make you feel alive and vibrant yet at peace and cozy at the same time.
There was one of those large ceiling fans at the subway station today. I don't normally use that station, but it's the one closest to a friend's house. And while the temperature has dropped outside, it's a five minute walk from her apartment and so by the time I reached the station, I was feeling hot.
And standing beneath the fan, suddenly I felt like I could do anything. Well, almost anything. But it felt good. And it's enough to keep me going tonight as I pull an all nighter in an attempt to finish assignments for class tomorrow.

In Class Writing

So the Friday before last, and this past Wednesday, we had to do a bunch of in-class writing assignments for my ENG110 class. The first was based on these two essays we had studied earlier and now were working on for a paper; the second was a response to an essay we'd read that morning.

It wasn't official classwork or anything; the professor wasn't going to check, we didn't have to read it out, nothing of that sort. We were just doing it as a kind of note writing exercise for us to refer to later on. My responses took a rather interesting turn…enjoy!

Education and compassionate imagination: Does the one lead to the other?

In Edmundson’s essay, he rambles on about how consumerism has led to universities becoming marketplaces-products-instead of centers for (of?) learning.

Nussbaum rambles even more about the compassionate imagination and how a liberal education develops said compassionate imagination and transforms one into a responsible “citizen of the world”.

It is all v boring BS. Reading the essays just for the purpose of reading makes them enjoyable. Having to write a paper on them is synonymous with torture. It is driving me fucking insane, and coupled with the BS essay topics in ENG120 and the stupid reading & discussion assignments from TCH201, it is pushing me closer and closer to the edge. Fucking ridiculous. I'm exhausted, sleep deprived, and irritated by all the BS. I’d trade this semester for one at Francis. At least there, I'd

a.       Be with my girls.

b.      Have subjects that I'm actually interested in.

Sure, the teachers there are pretty shit. But at least I'd be studying history and literature instead of this BS.

***

Write a response in light of J.H.’s ideas, figuring out how you can get the most out of your college education.

            Right now, I just hope to survive. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I have zero future plans (other than moving to London, dressing like Mary Margaret, meeting Tom, and eventually marrying him).

            W/ regards to my college education, all I want out of it rn is that degree- those two letters that say I've been to college and graduated.

            I have shit classes this semester, lord knows if I’ll be able to take proper litr classes next sem. Lord knows if all my credits have been transferred in, & they’d better have been, because that would just free me of a huge amount of courses.

            I need to graduate and get a job and get the hell out of here. That’s what I want out of my college education: a path to escape.

September Favorites

So now that we're in October, I can do my first favourites post! Again, I totally stole this idea from my friends @ awesomewebe. I'm keeping to a minimum of five per month. Because there’s four weeks to a month, and there must have been at least one nice thing every week, and one thing through the month? Also five is just a good number. Anyway. Here we goooo…


1. Moving into the dorm.

That’s at the top of the list because I wasn't even sure if I would get a room since I was on the wait-list. I was staying with my brother, but it’s a one bedroom apartment and he works and most days when I woke up to get ready for school he would have just gotten into bed. And it was almost a 90 minute commute to school. Not easy. Though I managed. And even got used to it towards the end. But it wasn't an ideal situation. School started on the third, I moved in ten days later. It was a close run. But it all worked out! Despite my worrying and depression and breakdowns, everything did work out. So that was a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

2. Bonding with The Brother’s friends.

The Brother is just my older (step) brother. Whom I love unconditionally. I practically worship the ground he walks on. Well no, not really. But I adore him. And his friends are the coolest. And this month I got to spend a lot of time with his two best friends, and they treated me like family, and it was really nice because I've always wanted to have that with them. One of them, let’s call her Totes, is a good friend of mine too. She's the one I mentioned in a couple of previous posts. She's become like an older sister to me and I love her. The other best friend, I never got that much of a chance to hang out with him because he works and has crazy shifts and is usually busy on weekends. But this one week he injured his knee and so was at home. And Friday night he remembered that I was still at my brother’s house and we ended up getting Chinese food and baking brownies and just chilling. And now we both watch The Voice together (he at his apartment, me in my dorm), and live text each other, and it’s funnn.

3. T.V. Shows.

The Voice. Two words: Adam Levine.

Breaking Bad! I finally finished it. Season 5 was SO unbelievably good. And watching the finale with my friend in India who got me into the show in the first place was such a great experience.

How To Get Away With Murder, Selfie, Agents of Shield, Doctor Who. New shows and new seasons of old shows. Always good.

4. Football (soccer).

I don’t know how I got sucked into this, but I did, and now I can’t seem to leave. All my life I actively avoided getting interested in this particular sport, but after the world cup this year, two of my friends fell in love with it. And they dragged me under with them. And I love it now. #fcbarcelona FTW. Messi and Neymar <3

5. Update on life.

I started this email thread with one of my best-est friends ever and it’s a godsend. Sure we talk (text) and chat on FB every day, but this thread is perfect because it’s a mixture of everyday nonsense and deep shit and musings and dreams and rants and whining and stories and…life.

6. Birthdays!

Not mine. But three of my favourite people: my favourite cousin, Becky; Totes; and my very own Marshmallow  ^_^

I wasn't there for Becky and Marshmallow’s because, well, I'm in NY and they aren't. And it sucked that I couldn't be there. But it was still good because I talked to them and I knew they had good birthdays and I love them (and missed them terribly) but it was all good. I was here for Totes' birthday, but I couldn't meet her on her actual birthday because she and The Brother and their friends went out and I'm underage so even though she wanted me to come, I couldn't. So that sucked too. But I bought her these chocolates and cookies that she loves so that made it better. And birthdays in general, are always good. Or you hope that they will be. And usually they turn out pretty okay.

7. Feelings.

I don’t think I need to elaborate too much here. My first two posts were all gushing over this guy. I haven’t felt that way in a really long time, at least, not about an actual person whom I  know. So while it ended up being painful and not working out, the feelings were good while they lasted.

8.  MY TICKETS ARE BOOKED FOR WINTER BREAK I CANT WAIT TO SEE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND EAT GOOD FOOD AGAIN AND NOT DIE IN THE FREEZING TEMPERATURES YAAASSSSS

I think that’s all for this month. Note to self, keep a draft and add favourites as they come along. I shall start this right away, because I already have one thing lined up for this month’s favourites. See y’all later! Byeee.

p.s. I don’t even know who I'm talking to. Let’s pretend there’s someone reading this. Hey, you! :)

I'm over him.

Idek

I don’t want this blog to be all about him. But right now, most of my thoughts are about him. So I may (read: will) talk about him a lot.

Not in today’s post, though. Today I’ll talk about…hmmm. Wow, do I really have nothing else to talk about? I should change my URL to “thinkingabouthim”. Sheesh. *shakes head disapprovingly at self*

I could talk about how I hate being underage. Especially this weekend because it’s my friend’s birthday and I can’t hang out with them. That, however, would become very depressing, very quickly because it’ll spiral into my friendless state and how I just want to be a part of their group and…yeah. I don’t want to do go down that path. At least not right now. It will come up one of these days though, I should warn you.

It’s not the end of the month, so I can’t do a “favourites” post just yet (totally copied that idea from my friends Sam and Malko @ awesomewebe). So what does that leave me with?

I'm kinda depressed anyway. Ughhh I don’t want this to be a depressing blog. It will have a fair amount of depression though because I am using this blog to think about my chaos, but I also want cheery stuff. Because there can be a certain happy chaos. But lately I don’t seem to be having any happy chaos.

Aaand I met him again.

Yesterday. A couple of hours after I uploaded my first post. I was sitting with my friend outside our university and she had texted him (they've known each other for years) saying we were sitting there and just as we were getting ready to leave because she had class, he came up.

And it was...strange. Because they're pretty close because he used to work for her a long time ago and her boyfriend is a very very good friend of his. But I'd seen him more recently so when he told her stuff he kept saying "I've already told Ella this" (he doesn't call me Ella, I'm just using that name). And at one point in the conversation it was like we were this couple-y group. Him and I, and my friend and her boyfriend (he wasn't there but we were talking about him and stuff). And my imagination, being what it is, went on this tangent of double dates and shizz and I had to remind myself that he has a lot of friends who are really pretty girls and I was being stupid.
But then after we walked my friend to her class it was just the two of us. And we hung out for almost an hour because he had to print a bunch of stuff and then we were just walking around and it was like Thursday again. He's got a promotion at work and he was SO excited about that and so he was telling me about that. And then we talked about football (soccer) because I've somehow gotten dragged into the craze by two of my friends back home and he's the only one here who follows club matches and stuff. We talked about everything and nothing and it was beautiful as it always is.
And in the end, as I walked across the bridge to my dorm, I couldn't think of anything except what we could be. And that's good because it kept my mind off the other shit in my life. But it's bad because I'm building this up too much and nothing may ever come of it and then I'll be left even more broken.

What now?

The weather’s perfect. That’s what started this, gave me all these feelings that I haven’t felt in so long.

It’s the beginning of fall, so it’s chilly, and since I'm near the river, there’s almost always a cold breeze. But if you’re sitting in the sun, or wearing a warm jacket, it’s perfect.

I sit alone. Normally, this would probably make me happy. But not today, not this week. PMS heightens my emotions and sensitivity, so my mood swings aren’t entirely arbitrary (- or they are, if that makes sense).

I don’t know when I realised that I liked him more than a friend (wow, look at how many ‘I’s there are in that sentence!). Was it the night before our final when we sat in the lobby until two in the morning, exchanging class notes and studying? But no, it can’t have been then, because he had a girlfriend at that time.

Was it over the dozen random conversations we had over the summer, all via text because I was in Florida and I don’t really like talking on the phone?

Or was it when, as the start of the Fall Semester drew closer, I grew more and more upset and worried about my ‘homelessness’ and he was always calming me down even though he didn’t know why I was so worried because I hadn’t really told him the reason? That afternoon, when I was on the verge of a breakdown because absolutely nothing was working out and I felt hopeless and I finally told him how stressed I actually was and why, and he was so nice and reassuring about it. Was it then?

Or was it when, after I finally heard from the dorm that I had a room, he was probably the first person I told, and he was SO excited and glad for me?

He was always there when I needed him. I can’t put my finger on the exact moment when my feelings changed, but I know they did, despite him having a girlfriend.

And then that Thursday. The day after school started. When I finally got to see him after the entire summer. Those two hours were almost blissful. We talked about everything, literally everything. And he was as nice and funny and charming as I’d remembered. And then he mentions that he’s broken up with his girlfriend and I don’t stop smiling for the rest of the night.

That was two weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened since then. We text, but he usually responds an hour later. Our attempts at meeting always fail. I actually started getting over him, because I don’t need more people in my life who are busy all the time. I have enough of those.

And then I bumped into him on my way out of class yesterday. And those five minutes before his next class were like the two hours that previous Thursday.

How is this possible?