Idek

I don’t want this blog to be all about him. But right now, most of my thoughts are about him. So I may (read: will) talk about him a lot.

Not in today’s post, though. Today I’ll talk about…hmmm. Wow, do I really have nothing else to talk about? I should change my URL to “thinkingabouthim”. Sheesh. *shakes head disapprovingly at self*

I could talk about how I hate being underage. Especially this weekend because it’s my friend’s birthday and I can’t hang out with them. That, however, would become very depressing, very quickly because it’ll spiral into my friendless state and how I just want to be a part of their group and…yeah. I don’t want to do go down that path. At least not right now. It will come up one of these days though, I should warn you.

It’s not the end of the month, so I can’t do a “favourites” post just yet (totally copied that idea from my friends Sam and Malko @ awesomewebe). So what does that leave me with?

I'm kinda depressed anyway. Ughhh I don’t want this to be a depressing blog. It will have a fair amount of depression though because I am using this blog to think about my chaos, but I also want cheery stuff. Because there can be a certain happy chaos. But lately I don’t seem to be having any happy chaos.

Aaand I met him again.

Yesterday. A couple of hours after I uploaded my first post. I was sitting with my friend outside our university and she had texted him (they've known each other for years) saying we were sitting there and just as we were getting ready to leave because she had class, he came up.

And it was...strange. Because they're pretty close because he used to work for her a long time ago and her boyfriend is a very very good friend of his. But I'd seen him more recently so when he told her stuff he kept saying "I've already told Ella this" (he doesn't call me Ella, I'm just using that name). And at one point in the conversation it was like we were this couple-y group. Him and I, and my friend and her boyfriend (he wasn't there but we were talking about him and stuff). And my imagination, being what it is, went on this tangent of double dates and shizz and I had to remind myself that he has a lot of friends who are really pretty girls and I was being stupid.
But then after we walked my friend to her class it was just the two of us. And we hung out for almost an hour because he had to print a bunch of stuff and then we were just walking around and it was like Thursday again. He's got a promotion at work and he was SO excited about that and so he was telling me about that. And then we talked about football (soccer) because I've somehow gotten dragged into the craze by two of my friends back home and he's the only one here who follows club matches and stuff. We talked about everything and nothing and it was beautiful as it always is.
And in the end, as I walked across the bridge to my dorm, I couldn't think of anything except what we could be. And that's good because it kept my mind off the other shit in my life. But it's bad because I'm building this up too much and nothing may ever come of it and then I'll be left even more broken.

What now?

The weather’s perfect. That’s what started this, gave me all these feelings that I haven’t felt in so long.

It’s the beginning of fall, so it’s chilly, and since I'm near the river, there’s almost always a cold breeze. But if you’re sitting in the sun, or wearing a warm jacket, it’s perfect.

I sit alone. Normally, this would probably make me happy. But not today, not this week. PMS heightens my emotions and sensitivity, so my mood swings aren’t entirely arbitrary (- or they are, if that makes sense).

I don’t know when I realised that I liked him more than a friend (wow, look at how many ‘I’s there are in that sentence!). Was it the night before our final when we sat in the lobby until two in the morning, exchanging class notes and studying? But no, it can’t have been then, because he had a girlfriend at that time.

Was it over the dozen random conversations we had over the summer, all via text because I was in Florida and I don’t really like talking on the phone?

Or was it when, as the start of the Fall Semester drew closer, I grew more and more upset and worried about my ‘homelessness’ and he was always calming me down even though he didn’t know why I was so worried because I hadn’t really told him the reason? That afternoon, when I was on the verge of a breakdown because absolutely nothing was working out and I felt hopeless and I finally told him how stressed I actually was and why, and he was so nice and reassuring about it. Was it then?

Or was it when, after I finally heard from the dorm that I had a room, he was probably the first person I told, and he was SO excited and glad for me?

He was always there when I needed him. I can’t put my finger on the exact moment when my feelings changed, but I know they did, despite him having a girlfriend.

And then that Thursday. The day after school started. When I finally got to see him after the entire summer. Those two hours were almost blissful. We talked about everything, literally everything. And he was as nice and funny and charming as I’d remembered. And then he mentions that he’s broken up with his girlfriend and I don’t stop smiling for the rest of the night.

That was two weeks ago. I don’t know what’s happened since then. We text, but he usually responds an hour later. Our attempts at meeting always fail. I actually started getting over him, because I don’t need more people in my life who are busy all the time. I have enough of those.

And then I bumped into him on my way out of class yesterday. And those five minutes before his next class were like the two hours that previous Thursday.

How is this possible?