A brief update.

In case you're worried about how I'm coping after that night, don't be. Worried, that is. I'm fine. Between my family and my friends (they blend into one large family, really), they talked me down and helped me feel better and I am fine. I couldn't ask for better people in my life, really. 

I cried after talking to them. Not because of what happened, but because they are such absolutely wonderful people and I don’t know what I have done to deserve them in my life but I am forever grateful for them.

Tom never contacted me again. I've actually seen him a few times since then, only in passing. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t recognize me, because that night my hair was down and all pretty and I was wearing contacts and had eyeliner on and shizz. And this past week I’ve made zero efforts so I've been wandering around in a t-shirt and jeans and sneakers and my hair in a bun and wearing my glasses. I really don’t care though, so I guess that’s good. He’s in one of Totes’ classes, and she texted The Brother and me to tell us and all three of us had a good laugh. And the other day, The Brother was teasing me about him over something and I was all ‘lmao calm the fuck down bro that’s not even an idea I consider’ and basically I'm fine.

But. A part of me regrets it. Because I wanted my first kiss to actually mean something and be with someone I cared about and had feelings for (don’t we all?). But it was wayyyyy off the mark. The Brother said it was better this way because at least no feelings got hurt, and he’s right. I see that. But movies and books have prepared us for magic and this is real life so obv no magic.

Anyway. The important thing is that I am doing fine.

School’s shit as usual. My education class makes me want to quit life. I daydream about telling her off. It’s a very satisfying daydream. Just standing up one day and giving her a piece of my mind and telling her exactly what I think of her and her class and what she can do with her assignments and discussion boards and ahhhhhh. Imma stop with that now.

There’s less than a month left for my birthday and I'm nervous. Because I doubt anyone here will remember it. They haven’t known me long enough to remember it and celebrate it the way my friends do back home. And while I don’t really care about not doing anything on my birthday, I do care about being the subject of pity, which is what will happen when people realize the next day or whenever, that it was my birthday. Sigh. I don’t want to spend my birthday alone, but I don’t want it to be a big deal either and ugh. It’s so weird. I guess I shouldn’t jump ahead of myself and just wait and see if it comes up at any point in a conversation. But I have almost no hopes. So that’s good in a way I guess because then if something does happen, no matter how small of a thing, I’ll be super happy.

October Favourites

1. Once Upon a Time.
After finishing Breaking Bad in September, I wanted a show that was more lighthearted and not so realistic and Once Upon a Time was perfect. I binge watched three seasons in the span of less than 10 days and am fully caught up with the ongoing season. Not very healthy, I agree. Especially when you take into consideration the fact that I’m already watching so many other shows. But, eh, whatever! TV shows are an inseparable part of my life now. Anyway, OUaT is absolutely brilliant, has too many hot men for its own good, has some pretty amazing female characters, and is just overall a really well written show. Mary Margaret/Snow White, played by Ginnifer Goodwin, is responsible for me being able to decide on one aspect of my future, even if I'm clueless about everything else-my wardrobe. Her outfits are just so well put together and not super fancy or anything. Simple, but elegant and, well, wardrobe goals: Mary Margaret.

2. Pinterest.
Extraordinarily distracting and addictive, but such fun! Of course, I would join it the week before midterms, but hey, that's how I roll! It's where I'm planning my life, so I've got a board (folder) for my "Future Wardrobe" (warm and cold days!), my "Home Sweet Home", foods that I wouldn't actually mind cooking, an entire board dedicated to "Desserts, mmmmmm", and the list goes on. 

3. Food.
I got to eat Indian food after a really long time and it was SO good. Normally I don’t even like Indian food all that much, but eating paneer and kebabs after ten months, ahhhhhh. Also, The Brother visited our parents in India, and Ma sent me a box of Kaju Barfi/KajuKatli, which is this sweet made from cashew nuts that I ABSOLUTELY LOVE and it was heaven. I also went to this place called Peanut Butter & Co., and damnnnn that was some good food. Also incredibly filling. I thought I’d be able to eat a sandwich and dessert. Only barely made it through the sandwich, no room for dessert. Which means I’ll have to go back for dessert sometime, so yay!

4. The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
I finally went there! And it was beautiful and I didn’t want to leave and I could spend days and days there and never get bored. It was amazing. And it reminded me why I love world history so much. Trying to pick a favourite, well, I can tell you my least favourite was the American history section, mostly because it was just furniture and stuff like that. The section on Ancient Egypt was fascinating. And Arms and Armour is always wonderful. Medieval Europe was pretty amazing too. And Ancient Greece and Rome. Though my feet were in excruciating pain by the end because I’d been walking for close to five hours nonstop, so I couldn’t enjoy Greece and Rome as much. But it was an unforgettable experience.

5. Central Perk!
It was perfect. In fact, I’m going to dedicate an entire post just to that evening. So more on that later.

6. Reconnecting.
One evening I got a call from a number I didn’t know. Normally I don’t answer the phone if I don’t know the number, but I’d been expecting a call from my favourite cousin’s best friend who lives in the States. Only this wasn’t from where I knew she was. But I answered anyway. And it was someone I'd completely forgotten- my dad’s friend’s daughter, whom I hadn’t seen in almost fourteen years. She’s ten years older than me, an absolute sweetheart. My parents loved her; in fact she was my babysitter for a long time when I was little. And she's here! In America! And getting married in November! It was amazing talking to her after so long, and I'm going to the wedding. Very exciting, and almost surreal after all these years to get in touch with her again.

7. Hair Straightener.
I finally bought one! And one morning finally used it. And didn’t burn myself. Looked quite pretty, if I may say so myself.

8. Wentworth Miller.
Another show I started watching (I did say I watch too many shows), is Prison Break. And Wentworth Miller, dayum. The man is beyond unattainable. He’s 42 and gay, but has the face of a fucking angel and while Tom Hiddleston is the one true love of my life and the reason for my existence, Wentworth Miller has a tiny piece of my heart that no one, not even Tom, can lay claim to.

I'm scared.

So this really good friend  of mine(let's call her Si) threw a Halloween party (well, post- Halloween, really) on the first of November. I got there a little early, helped her finish setting up, etc. People trailed in. I knew about half the people she'd invited, and there weren't all that many of us, so it was fine. It was a good time generally. I drank, for the first time ever. Didn't get drunk or anything. Ate good food, met new people. Laughed. Talked.
But there was this boy. We didn't really get a chance to introduce ourselves in all the rush, but once everyone had eaten and we were all just sitting around and talking, he turned to me and asked me my name. Turns out his name was Tom (OF COURSE it's fucking Tom GODDAMMIT). We talked for a really long time, though we both were also taking part in other conversations around us. But at one point he brushed his hand against mine. And then we exchanged numbers. And when it was time to leave, since he lived right by the subway station I use to get to my dorm, he offered to walk me till there. Si offered to let me just stay over at her place because it was pretty late, but I was meeting my older brother in the morning (AFTER TWO MONTHS FINALLY YAYYYYY), so I had to say no.

Anyway, Tom and I walked back, and it was windy and rainy and cold, and after a point we were holding hands and I wasn't uncomfortable. But then we reached his dorm, and I turned to say goodbye, and the next thing I know, he was kissing me. And I was kissing him back? Because I sure as hell didn't push him away. And after a few minutes of that I pulled back and asked him what happened next and told him that I'd never done this before so I didn't really know how relationships or anything like this worked. I told him that we were both slightly drunk and I didn't want this to turn into something we'd both regret the next morning. And he said, no, I was right, and that he would never push me to do anything that made me uncomfortable and that it was up to me how we wanted to do this. And I said maybe we should just think about this and give it a day and see how we felt in the morning. And he walked me to the subway station and then we kissed again and I was all shy and blushing and he said to text him once I was home safe and that hopefully we'd meet again tomorrow or Monday at school or something.

I'm scared. Not of him. He's incredibly sweet and I trust him. I'm scared of what I have to do now. Because I don't know. I talk about relationships like I want them but now that I'm faced with this I'm scared out of my mind because this is an actual person whose feelings I can hurt and who can just as easily hurt me and I don't know how to deal with this. His name is TOM for fuck's sake. He's a wonderful guy but neither of us know each other all that well and I don't know how to relationship (yes, I'm using it as a verb here). I need to talk to my older brother. Or to Totes. Probably both. Both. Both is good.
I don't know how to deal with this. I was better off in my imaginary world where I was dating Tom HIDDLESTON. I'm so scared right now. I don't want to hurt another person. I don't want to be hurt. I don't want things to become messy. I'm so scared.